Where does the time go? It’s hard to believe a whole year has slipped by. However, when I think back to this time last year (when I started this blog), it feels like a lifetime ago. I suppose I’m older, wiser and better equipped to be me. Don’t quote me on that though because tomorrow is a new day and I’ll probably fuck it up.
This blog was an experiment of sorts, to establish a baseline of who I want to be as an artist but also to help me grow into a better person. I honestly have no clue if I’ve accomplished either task I set out to achieve. I questioned whether I should continue publicly writing when I received an email via my website. The subject line read, “Your blog is cool. Do it more.” Before I explain who sent the email, let me back up a minute to one of my (many) embarrassing moments.
About a month ago I was conversing with a friend who was explaining that after a somewhat rough year, their life was finally leveling off, feeling positive and optimistic. They spoke of the prior year when things were so rocky and upended, it seemed as if it would never get better. It made me realize that it had been a year for me too. A year ago, I was untethered and unsure of pretty much every decision I was making. I was surprised to realize how far I had seemingly come. Guess what though people, memories of the past sometimes come at a steep price.
Let me just give you the CliffsNotes. Chatting with a friend about the past, thinking of the past, curiosity (killed the fucking cat), hopped on social media… BAM! … *le sigh* I accidentally “liked” (and then immediately “unliked”) someone’s recent social media photo. Someone… that I don’t “follow”. Someone… that I don’t even talk to anymore. Yeahhhh… Fucking. Memory. Lane.
Now maybe some of you are thinking, “Did you IMMEDIATELY “unlike” it?” the answer is, yes I did. And maybe now you’re thinking, “So does it even show up?” The answer is, algorithms, coding, blah blah blah, usually NOT if you “unliked” it quickly enough. HOWEVER, if a person is running banner notifications on their phone, that fucking banner is IMMEDIATE and LIVES on the home screen until you remove it. It’s basically a big fucking, “TA-DA! Someone liked your shit!”
Don’t act like it’s never happened to you. If it actually hasn’t, don’t pretend you're not deathly afraid of social media accountability. I mean, whatever. EVERYONE looks at EVERYONE (hello, you’re reading my blog). It’s simply the world we live in now… I just got caught doing it. The irony is that I rarely check on people who aren’t currently in my life and I’ve never judged anyone who does.
Truth be told though, I was talking smack about someone’s girlfriend earlier that night so Karma apparently whacked me for it. I’ll admit, I probably deserved the embarrassment. And yes, I WAS embarrassed. For an entire evening I mourned the loss of my, “stone cold, I can’t even recall their name” attitude but by the next day, I had stopped caring. It existed in the world, I couldn’t take it back and I didn’t care enough to do anything more about it. I was actually content to never acknowledge it again.
Also that person, whether they had banner notification on their phone or not, didn’t care either. If they knew what I had done, I doubt they were bothered by the fact that I looked and they certainly weren’t analyzing that I did. It made me realize that, at any given moment, you never really know if someone is thinking about you. It also made me realize, that person wouldn’t give a shit either way (which was a weird kind of closure I suppose).
A week after I questioned whether or not to continue the blog and two days after I got caught looking at someone’s social media, I received an email. It was heartfelt, encouraging, took me completely by surprise and was written by an old friend I had lost touch with long ago. It’s hard for me to describe the sheer joy I felt upon reading this email but it reassured me that the universe was telling me something. The cherry on this delightful cake is that my friend admitted to finding my website because they trolled me on social media first. How is that not hilarious?
Hearing from my friend felt like a puzzle piece connecting back into place. For all the mistakes I make in life (and I’ll make more), it’s nice to be reminded of the good things I toss into the world as well (which I’ll keep doing). I happily emailed them back and I’m beyond excited to return to this friendship. It makes me smile how life works itself out sometimes.
I’ve lost quite a bit over the years but I realize I’ve gained a lot as well. Am I perfect? Pssshhhhhhh, is anyone? Do I try? I can proudly say that I do. I’m just over here being me people; social media failure and recipient of a lost friend.
Welp. It’s been a year.
You never know who is thinking of you.
You never know who you’ll be a year from now.
Keep at it.